Monday, June 16, 2008
if your sick of hearing me rant.just fucking close this window,thank you.If nobody could so far,
what makes Me think there would be.
fucking ever will be.
today was one fucking good example.
pent up, deperate need for the peace
overwhelmed, came out all wrong.
stared ahead, fist clinched.
then the heart slowed.
flinch and teared against the pain.
that's the loser in me.
ever is, forever would be.
looks pure indifference.
a facade, a blur.
take, glances and looked my way.
one mask after another i changed.
until i deem fit on one.
i think the other saw it all,
the changes.
the emotions.
other was looking into my eyes.
trying.
i smiled and laughed it off.
other smiled too.
noone, noone would know.
if another can live without telling any other soul why can't i.
another seem fine, seems broken but strong.
i tolerated the pain.
i had the cold soul.
no i do not fabric nor build out of nothingness.
i do not lie, i say half truths.
truths that are incomplete.
the only that can read me ever so slightly,
i had backed off,
slowly faded out.
Only is long gone.
no. Only knows not all
but Only knows enough.
enough to tear down the walls, one brick at a time.
tough and painful for her,
but she did it once.
once, that's enough.
what you did today was a great achievement.
a great deed you have done for me.
you made me lose all hope, dad.
i remembered the only time i ever said the word, dad.
that when dreams became nightmares
and i was screaming for you to stop.
the indifference i learned throughout the years,
remember once they called me emotionless kid.
i had learned all it takes to keep you out.
it wasn't meant for them.
fuck.
i learned if i dissappoint too much
they leave me alone.
they turn away.
just the way i need it to be.
i will make One hate me,
why would i want to do that?
so that when you come for Me again,
you would only be dealing with Me and just Me.
knowing i got nothing to fall back on this time.
it's all i have left.
i'm tired of talking shit out with you.
i'm living for myself.
with-once-fabricated love;
christ.
leaving behind a beautiful chaos... 8:37 PM.
