gaaawwwdddd.
found the right words to represent "MAMA!!"
doubtfullyhomosexistsexuallybisexualgaylystraight.

talking to my mama, the tiger.
is pure:
dutifully dirty, contamination of my preciously innocent brain.
bleah.but since i'm her son.
i can't get any way better then her yea?
and i finally know whats a H.
gawwwddd. >.<

-SCREAMS-
I NEED BLEACH!!


Guardian angel
where is mine?










according to wikipedia,
guardian angel is a spirit who protects and guides a particular person.
believed that saints lose their guardian angels so that they might have a greater struggle and persevere.
and that sin may drive them away.


i dont get it?
seems like they have that altruism thingy going on.
how about this ;
I need halcyon days ahead..
how about removing my blight.!
what about the contumely that keeps coming back?

How about dealing with that first
and cant you tell i need guidance yesterday.

okayokay, they say not to question and have faith.
So i shall, this week.
finally get to meet melissa this saturday,
for arrow service.


since our schedules are usually clashing,
we got a hell lot of catch up to do.



Thursday was exhuasting and sinful.
And no, i dont mean eating sinfully.


OMG. Don't laugh,
but i did some studying yesterday!!
haha. after like a zillion years i finally manage to pick up the book
and brush up on my degrading english.
Much to the pleasure and delight of my parents,
after their various attempts, when they finally gave up.
i decided to pick it up.
i feel accomplised.!
blahblahblah. thats total bunk.
i just need to keep my mind off stuff,
so i'm like horridly serious in studying.

ohbtw, "someone"
haha. your message about trusting me is pure touching.
don't worry, she loves you, i can tell.
bleah. and screw you for calling me a flirt.
geez, im not. im just a pure socialite.




okay, i currently hooked up in cooking and baking!!
salmon salad for appetizers. [im gonna eat up the sashimi!! purely tempting sebas~]
mashed potatoes and steaks up for main.
devil chocolate cake with vanilla icecream and whipped cream up for desserts.
gawd. i gotta start now.

Oh and i'm gonna make it a point to smile more often.
given the title of being dao or emo is so CRAP. geezz.
and i might get a ipod touch for my efforts!! haha.
poor sebas~~

Next sat is purely titled; "SEX IS PURE ENTERTAINING " night
bottles up people.!
*winks* and someone is purely looking forward to get corrupted.
-Censored- [not for people under 18.]


Preoccupied.
Its pretty easy to be smiling nowadays..
everything is going well.
i finally managed to get a grip of control.
and i can help "someone" out already.
dude, i'm sorry that im late.

lawls, rong is having a pretty hard time over at the netherlands.
considering that she's a pampered princess over here.
with her maid in singapore.
she's complaining she has to do housework!!
but i can tell that hadn't change her princess attitude still;
ronggg: "i need a job too, cos my money bank is running outta money.
you all can contribute to my tour-europe-shopping funds!"
thats so expected of her.
i'm missing her alot already...

you make me weak.
i seem to be getting dumber at this.
shows how deep i have went, without realising.
your getting closer. im not complaining. =]
but i'm keeping within,
stuff that only some know off.
i don't know if i will do the same thing i did.


i'm showing signs already...
but i'm trying not gonna give in to the voice in my head this time.

"They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now"





Disasterific

I'm still here.
yup, i'm still in singapore,
No, i do not regret not going back to my homeland one little bit.
=]











but i kinda miss;
the maribaya fountain tho.

I'M SICK OF IT ALL.
Omg, once and for all. PLEASE.
if your a guy and your thinking about convincing me to turn back straight.
i fuckin' hope you'll just shut up and walked back the way you came out from.
im not naming here. [don't make me.]
due to your self respect here, i hope you just look else where.
because i'm fucking not interested and i hope you can stop wasting your life waiting.


guy1. C*
seriously, your like a big brother nothing more.
i don't give a damn about how much your mum likes me.
If you are gonna continue ur fucking ridiculous behavior, endless rubbish.
i will make you feel like a rubbish.
and i don't need your promises. fuck.
i will never trust you again.



guy2. D**
please cut the crap out and lecturing me almost everytime we talk,
and please even if i turn straight i won't be yours.
i told you straight in your face, why won't you fucking listen.
have you got nuts in ur brain making all too clogged up to listen
or you just don't understand english, should i speak thai to you?
quit spreading rumours around you faggot.



guy3. J** ***
stop asking me about my relationships,it aint any of your business.
you disgust me, where is your pride?
i treat you badly for you to screw off, so quit sticking to me.
look for a whore when all you think about is sex.
your fucking emo, and i hope you freaking change.
i don't give a damn about how rich you are, you snotter.



guy4. N***
don't even think about it.
even if you wear a skirt, i wont go on a date with you. FUCK.
you digust me.



guy5. W** ****
i don't want to go on a ride on your bike!
your friend was kind enough to tell me, you fucking asshole.
screw you for thinking,
oh btw, thanks for telling your friend.
i'm glad i didnt punch you, because it will only dirty my hands.



ARGH.
because two of the bastards above,
i slammed the phone down and screamed -censored-.
my mum heard and i had a fall out with her,
she says shes gonna send me to a psychiatrist.
shes suspecting something happened before i had the mentality.
its kinda late that they only noticed now ain't it.
after many years of neglect.
don't try to make it up now.








Things that are done can never be undone.
[you get it, you get it. if you dont, well too bad]
my artwork is a mess.
i don't need a fucking eraser,
because you need to start from sketch again.
that is impossible, considering i have a brain.
i'm not a robot, where you can erase and install again.
i rather just improve and move on.




there's something wrong with me.
the songs says it all.


Hereby, Introducing my very bruised hand.



A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DAY.

its so suey,[BAD LUCK]
im amazed that even when i crossed the road,
i hadn't gotten knocked down by a car or something.

hear me rant;
woke up at 5.45 today, instead of usual 6.30. [fuckin' made it a point to be early.]
the bus was late, the mrt was even later. so therefore, im late again. [ fuck]
mp3 died. which means im half dead. [i cant figure why aunties can talk a hell lot in the morning.]
reached sentosa, the fucking sercurity guard was making a fuss over small matters.
[keep it within, fuckin' did't shout at him, talking is already a chore in the morning.]
gotta call up the manager, instead i called karan. finally managed to get in.[christ HATES sercurity guards.]
change clothes into work attire,hurried rushed. andilostit. my mum bought it for me...
[WHOWOULDSTEALAFUCKINGBELT!! worse still, only realised it after work. no hope. ]
while working, banged into the lift door. [it fuckin' closed on me.]
the popcorn machine landed on my hand, it became swollen. [it's MYRIGHTHAND.!]
tried to shoot some rubbish into the bin, realised that i couldn't control my fingers much. [not good.]
Jason picked on me, Stella picked on me too..
[HERE comes a DOUBLE FUCK. bastard+bitch = bastitch. i fuckin' wana stitch their mouth alright]
ARGH. im not gonna type out anymore...
the list is never ending,.
TODAY IS SUEY DAY [FULL STOP]

i seriously think the sercurity guard did it on purpose when i didnt reply him much,
we came at 8.10
we got a empty voucher.
while another girl came in at 9+
and she got a signed voucher.
which means we could get our pay...
SERIOUSLY, FUCK HIM.
IM SO GONNA SCREW HIM UPSIDE DOWN, INSIDE OUT.
I REMEMBER YOUR FUCKIN' FACE YOU WATCHDOG.


but the people i worked with are fun.
phew, at least we had fun.
laughter, fun, chattings.
and =]]. bleahs.

it was fun watching ann's face when i ask her;
O.o " are you flustered or blushing really badly?"
o.O "is it the sun or is it something else?"
she just totally went pink!
and when i laughed she scrambled off.. * grins*
and she totally avoided me after that.
awwww... me sadderest. haha.

lets just hope that i dun get kidnapped.
haha. i'mnotsureifievenwanttocomeback.
i will miss you.
fuck im missing you even now.
endless thoughts have got to be stopped.
im getting better at this. =]
i love my mask.



WHISPERS AND A SCREAM.

I heard someone say;
"people can lie with their words, but not with their eyes"
hah. thats true.
But what how can you tell if they don't maintain eye contact in the first place.
like me? haha.

Oh btw,
i didnt realise how awfully cute my mum was, till today.
Yea, CUTE.
lets see,
ever seen ur mum shake ass in front of ur lil brother?
and then they were running about the house.. [dog was running along after them]
in the end, finally gave up the thought of pinching his bum.
she made a stupid face and shashayed away, hands on hip.

the expression on my face, according to my brother was purely hilarious.
since he was laughing away and had to drop down on the sofa to catch his breath.
My expression, was THAT BAD... [come on, i choked on water. >.<]


I cut hair like finally,
=.= zomg. its short. fucking short.
BUT BUT BUT..
it beats walking into walls...
people complaining they cant see my eyes...
saying its way too messy...
saying i look a complete girl.
people saying its fucking long...
right??
rigggghhhhtttt...
It doesn't help comforting myself...

o[T.T]o




Rawr,Finally decided to go back to work:

1st reason: to get back "THE RING".

But fuck, when i contacted brian today, he was like.
He.... L....O....S....T... it
i don't blame him.
i lost it in the first place, luckily simon found it.
then simon say brian wil keep it for me.
i need to make a new one. the fucking exact same thing.
maybe drop it a couple of times, and tada.
its the same... itsthesame. ARGHHHhhhhh...

2nd reason: im not saying... yesi'mstillnotsaying.
3rd reason: purely just an excuse.

lawls. geraldine's burthday is coming...
[how do i know, since i can't remember stuff.?]
"hey,it's melvin here can u contact me asap at 9*******?
it's about her b'day,it's coming!OMG!
my head starts to hurt already.
haha.




i offered a hand,
she rejected.
i hold her hand,
she pushed me away.
watching her fall,
i inflicted pain on myself.
pretended that i didnt care.
walked away.

you made me mask even around you too.
nothing is the same anymore.
you gave up in yourself.

i saw you fall again,
i kept a distance, watching.
you couldnt stand up.
i heard your shouts of help.
i look at my reflection in the river's water,
you don't need me, i'm of no use now.
it's different, i'm different.

I will always be closeby,
but never within reach again.

i know i can't mend no more,
i'm selfish,
i'm protecting myself.

Because deep inside, i know.
you are the only one that can help yourself.
its internal, its you that have to be strong.
to fight that voice in ur head.

as i am fighting mine.




When Everything Seems So Clear.

Met up with min and zinc yesterday night,
then came along, carson and white turtle.
did some catch up.


haha.
i've got nothing to complain of,
but seriously the amount of lesbians around me keeps increasing
everytime we catch up and update ourselves with the latest news of others.
it says much about life and guys.
that makes 2 more from yesterday's topic.
Im not being sexist here...
just proves that my previous post, makes sense now doesn't it.
its not emo, its just factual. hah.


well, maybe turtle makes sense.
it's first time im under such pressure,
pressured so much that i couldn't cope with it,
enough to forget memories,
people and events.
no more.




I asked min and zinc a question;
how do you change a mentality?
min: just looked at me and laughed.
zinc: "how will you learn to trust then?"



[its fuckin' dumb]

i just didn't know.
i just stared at the bottle that im holding,
i stared hard at it.

ironically deafing silence.
and i smiled.

"why would i want to ever do that?"

I dont care about the conseqences.

Screw off, if you want to try to convince me to turn back around.

fight me, get yourself wounded.

impastcaring.

i'velostmyheart.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back;

I can proclaim:

I tried that. It just didn't work out for me.

guess what, im sick of it all that shit.
hah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lastly, im sorry ms avarami tang.

but maybe it doesn't work that way.
i gave my word to try, before i left.

to try my best.
I did.

Screwed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It says it all..

That, I'm still keeping my last promise to you..

It Just Seems That Way.
BLESSINGS IN DISGUISES.

walking along the streets.
i noticed details.
none that i notice before.
the way people smile, but their eyes are sad.
the way they laugh, a chuckle or just a smirk.
hands held but faces turned away.
without simple gestures, its just emptiness.


Is it just me or is it how the whole world has become.
when everyone just gets too hurt to trust anyone else,
when they are just too afraid to look again.
when they all had believed, once.
believing in the people that were just meant to passby
putting hope in the wrong people
then getting trashed and tattered torn
and at last decided not to look anymore.
trying to make the best of the shit of life they get.

Even the happiest person have a secret to hide.





I thought that at least,
"She" should be happy...
the way she encourages me to keep going everday,
when i just felt like giving all up.
she helped, ask me to settle down.
i held her in high esteem.
but looking at her, looking at everything.
looking at now.

its not that.
i noticed now, the way she never shares.
the pain she kept inside.
unspoken. uttered not even once.
it just hurts,
the way it is when i saw her recent post,
when she finally said something.

Last Words Of Wisdom;
underneath it all,
she given up before me.

She said; We shall both play...
its not just a habit no more.
as i said:
LOVE IS JUST A GAME...
game where there can be as many players that you want.
Because afterall, its just a game..


















i don't know anymore.
i can't make it this time.
im know im not mending anymore,
im sry, i lied. one last lie.
dont even bother asking.

I'm masked. this time im not taking it off again.

They may seek to control their partner through emotional manipulation or seductiveness on one level,
whereas displaying a marked dependency on them at another level.
Individuals with this disorder often have impaired relationships with same-sex friends
because of their sexually provocative behavior.
They crave novelty, stimulation, and excitement
and have a tendency to become bored with their usual routine.
Although they often initiate a job or project with great enthusiasm,
their interest may lag quickly.
The actual risk of suicide is not known, but individuals with this disorder are at increased risk for suicidal gestures.

hah. im that purely MASKED.





The Awful Truth.

they say dogs heal by licking their wounds..

what do humans do?








It happened again,
it didnt for a really long time.
I thought nobody could do that to me again,



i was wrong.
putting the blame on me.
things i didnt do but was thought to have done.
i had enough; at home,
in primary school, when i pitied them.
in secondary. when i was problemathic.
and they fucking dont believe i would change.
And i fucking threw the table at them.

things i have learned?
i dont need to prove to anyone,
its a fucking mentality.
I dont explain for my actions,
they alrdy have it stuck in their god damn thick skull head,
that im always the one at fault.

the feeling like i have in the past.
i didnt like that feeling,
so i took a swim.

I was swimming,
it felt good,
had one more and i drowned.
i blurted everything out.
nobody knows everything about me.
but i guess someone does right now.
i made her cry,
i dunt want to see anyone cry for me again,
its gonna be the last, i thought 2 years ago was last.





fuck that.

she told me,
when we drown.
then the lock to our heart gets spoiled.
everything comes out after.
she and me. are alike.

but how come it still felt like,
Stuff inside me.
Are just meant to be kept within.
its just the feeling of reliance that i hate,
i have been independent and i dont rely.
im sorry.
its just been too long left alone.



i miss pebbles.
i miss the me and her on the first day, i really do..



they say; " people change, everything does."

my point back to them...

how do you know you have change,
if you dont even know who you are
before all this shit you have been through.
what makes you think you know me,
When i don't even know myself in the first place.
Fuck off.

i am the way i am.
dont question me.


The Night Breeze,
the laughter and whisperings.




MY CALFS, FEET AND HAND HURT!!!!
okay im not as numbed to pain afterall..


I was acting very weird yesterday,
zinc was complaining she never seen me this high.

okay, i have her to thank
after i dragged her around, (well practically..)
for like the rest of the day,after her work.
i didnt tell her what i was doing, and as usual she didnt ask much.
Just followed and we did some catching up on the way.

ohoh, it was completely funnywanny.
picture this:
we were walking thru orchard,
zinc was carrying a couple of cakes, and handing it to me.
the point? i wasnt looking at her direction.
and then four girls walked passed, one by one.
they stared from her to me and back to her, REPEATINGLY.
then i turned to see what they were looking at.
=.= it worse thing? zinc didnt notice(as usual), she was still staring at me.
WHACK ARH.

then we were walking thru toa payoh,
we had a double taker. RAWR.
zinc was like: " give her a rose lah, she keep looking."
>.<>

It was Pure fruitful.
*our lil secret * -winks



it was moronic.[its another matter]
come to think of it,
its purely hilarious,
gawwddd.. i dun usually feel like
running away when i hand someone something.
Duhh.
-digs a hole and throw myself in-


the way zinc says it,
i dont know, never thought about it.
She said it looks that way too,
well, the mere thought of it is scary.
its new to me, but i might try.
never once in my dictionary.
but, everyday we learn a new word dont we.

THIS IS SO NOT ME,
DOESNT FEEL LIKE ME.
RAWR.


Lastly, my apologies again to those people that i canceled plans with yesterday.
i didnt really had the heart or mind or spirit to go meet you guys.
i will make it up to you guys. as promised.


ciao, -im out-






What a day.


Im dissappointed.
purely turnished.






















looking at this picture just gives me a happy feeling once again..

Im glad.
Im so looking forward to tomorrow,
she's back in singapore,
and we have alot of catch up to do. =]


I Lost the light.
when i gave excuses not to go out they didnt ask why...

As i lay on my bed running the endless thoughts through...
i tried finding means of escape and sri found me.

sri cempaka says: do you love her?
christ jaden מלאך ouji a lifetime of awesomeness. says: wats love sri
sri cempaka says: i feel like knocking ur head and make u see the bigger picture here
sri cempaka says: i noe deep inside u, u love her.
sri cempaka says: if u dont love her, u wont mask urself,
sri cempaka says: if u dont love her, u wont cry
sri cempaka says: if u dont love her, u wont build those walls again
sri cempaka says: if u dont love her, you wont ran away.

Sri made me realise the part of me that is now empty.
i realised the emptyness, the cause for it.
i have sri to thank...

I said it;she replied.
I dont know why but maybe i expected her to say so.
I just stared blankly at the painting in front of me.
I Loved Her. thats for sure.
at least, i got it sorted out.

she waited. held on.
i didnt see.
nothing happened.
all i tot was, was wrong,
i tot she liked him.
i pretended not to move.
i ran away.
all i did was wrong.
i didnt help.
i made it worse.
and as usual im late.
too late.
she lost hope.
because when i finally took a step.
she's gone.

im sorry.
im late as usual.

she healed me;
TINEEY IS BACK! =]
gawd, i miss me.


[CHRIST IS SICK!]

I'm so bored at home!

Its the dumb doctor instructions to stay home...

and my parents really locked me in!!





what have i done the whole day?

lets see,

craved on wood.. [yes, i have that much time]

played guitar.....

drew on sketchbook...

played keyboard....

watched coffee prince....

and tada. thats a day..

How many more days of this can i take?

ZERO!!

im out of the house tmr~

IT'S SINGLE'S DAY OUT!!

in advance; HAPPY VALENTINE'S PEOPLE!!


THE TORTURE.


It's only the third day of chinese new year and im feeling extremely tired already!!
collection was good this year ... But...
lets see, i spent more then 48 hours gambling within 3 days.
and i hadnt been exactly been at the winning end.
Spent like Freaking 12 hours at korkor's hse yesterday.[i dont even spend as much time at home man!!]
lost freaking alot of money because i met a lil boy only 11 years old but gambles and wins like he have been gambling since 1year old.
Only headed back home at 7+AM this morning slept like a log.
woke up in time to head out for dinner..
and i found time to blog.

First thing i realise is what a mess my room is again!!!

Shall update with more pictures when i get them transfered over.
For now im just PURE LAZY. haha.

Im missing you,thats for sure.
tried to act non-chanted about it but its all just superficial.
im glad ur away right now, out of singapore, unreachable.

its helping... my busy schedule is...
for once im grateful.

come to think of it a NEW YEAR = new class...
E35L is a lovely bunch of goondos and i love them like mad!!




im gonna miss them for sure..
whats gonna be in for next year?


Im sick of my emo self.
all the negative thoughts.
where the fuck did optimism went to?


well, im pass over it.
it was suppose to be a countdown yesterday..
what was i doing?
One whole day locked up in my room and i cried my heart out.
the puffy eyes and soaked pillow.
the lack of sleep.

yup, had me putting on makeup to cover up for today's, FIRST DAY of chinese new year.
well, oh well, had my last heartfelt cry in grandma's room when i saw her last msg and her goodbyes and apologies.
it hurts, but its for the best.
let it all go. i cant be selfish. because i need her to move on.
i cried for the lost. and now im back to my normal self.
i didnt realise just how much we both are making each other so miserable.
i didnt need the mask. or maybe its on but i dun notice it anymore..
with or without it doesnt matter anymore..
Im feeling a hell lot better. =]


well, evee is right.
ITS A NEW YEAR, new beginnings.
i shall leave behind all unhappiness.

I said what i need to say for her to be gone.
she was hurt, she said i was throwing her away, pushingher away.
little did she know;
she had a really important place in my heart.
we can never be together and we both know that.
its best to ignore my pain and make sure i throw her as far away as possible,
so that she will never look back.
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

a last long hug.
a last night together with her.
a last look of her face so close to mine, sleeping on my shoulder.
A last memory of her.

i shall go meet zinc, mama!!!, larlar, greg and the rest of the gang at our usual hangout now.
some drinks, cards and a hell lot of catch up to do. gawd i miss mama!!

well, im all smiles this time.
angel is so sacarstic in the group blog gggaawwwddd.. im gona get back at her... haha.

in the mean time HAVE FUN PEOPLE~~


i know i hadnt been blogging alot,
but life has been rather busy.
shall update about it when i have the mood too.


rightnow.
ineedmymask.
ihurther,unknowingly.
itwaspainful,butitoldherstraightthatihavetomoveon.
nottomeetupeveragain.
shedidntunderstand,
shesaidmovingonwouldbeleavingherbehind.

never thought things would end this way, the empty feeling once again.
its overwhelming.
its killing me.
she said the same thing as the rest did:"ur fucking pushing me away."
maybe i did. because i know. things never last.
because i know, she got into my heart.
im afraid.
very afraid.
so i pushed her out.

shes right. if we want to move on.
we shouldnt msg everday either.
do friends msg everyday.?
we were supposed to be friends.
"that night" was bad.
had me thinking too much about her.

Now, we are not even friends...
i will survive.
wont i?

i just hate myself. for i am a coward.

I'm Christ Jaden
also known as Tineey and Jaja.
11 November 1989
Mixed blood.


And so they asked; what's life to you?









Black Tulips
Drawing
Smelling Nice
Rainy days
Jrock
Photography
Teddy Bears
SHOPPING
SUSHI.SASHIMI.


-> Bomber jackets!!


Nothing much really.
Just ____.






Aisyah

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